the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
