You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
