I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
