I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My life is pants optional.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
