My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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