Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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