why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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