it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
