I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize