Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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