i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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