I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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