Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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