I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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