all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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