I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
