I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
