woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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