When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
