we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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