my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
