I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
