so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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