as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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