let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
They are going to name an STD after you.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
