I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
