I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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