at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
