Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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