I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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