I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
