I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
