I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
