so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
