I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
my being single is dangerous.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
