He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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