Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize