so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I look excited, but its just a facade.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
