mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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