he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Randomize
