I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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