why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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