my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
