My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize