omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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