he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
