Will you blow on my dice?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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