He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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