well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
