He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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