dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
