Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
