32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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