all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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