Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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