The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
