I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
